Steve Johnson

In last year's update to The List I said that "it is now Brave in which we must place our hope."

That hope was severely and sadly misplaced.  

Brave must now join the (slightly) inferior Cars 2 in the wastes of Pixar mediocrity.

Toy Story 3
Finding Nemo
Toy Story 2
Up
Monsters Inc
Wall-E
-
Inexplicable Schism in Quality
-
Ratatouille
The Incredibles
A Bug's Life
Toy Story
-
Baseline of Cinematic Pablum
-
Brave
Cars 2
-
The Utter Depths of Unmitigated Shitacity
-
Cars

I saw the film in a rough, but passable state.  There was a lot of pre-visualization placeholder material, some rendered but unpolished and unlit scenes, and a few errors here and there that will be touched up when the film is released this summer to the great, collective yawn of the movie-going public.

Dolores questioned whether the unfinished animation contributed to her underwhelmed response.  I do not believe this to be the case, as no amount of untextured blocking can distract from the massive story problems.  Storyboards would have been sufficient to carry us forward through this laborious, tired plot of a petulant princess who just wants to be free, and would like nothing more than to shirk her responsibilities.

If that sounds like the pitch for nearly every Disney animated feature in the 90s, that's because it is.  This is such a huge step backwards for feature animation that it is almost embarrassing.  Especially so for Pixar, whose work thus far has largely sloughed off these trite conventions.

( Spoilers Follow. You have been warned.  )

There was no single character with whom we can empathize or relate, no emotionally engaging relationships, no new ideas or interesting takes on old themes.

It is a slapdash patchwork of one cliche after another, with the only thing saving it from the bottom tier being that the action makes it watchable, albeit less so than most of the drivel that spills out of Fox or Sony.

Dreamworks makes better films than this on a regular basis.

How the fuck did that happen?

Next up is Monsters U.  I call on whatever Gods may be to save Pixar from itself.

Árvakr and Alsviðr have pulled Sól in her chariot round heaven once again, ceaseless in their journey until assailed by Fenrir, to count the years of men.

And so it is incumbent upon me to rank animated motion pictures according to my own tastes and opinions and communicate this ranking as immutable fact, and call it The List.

This year's ranking is remarkable, not for the quality of the entrant but the creation of a new category to mark its mediocrity.

Toy Story 3
Finding Nemo
Toy Story 2
Up
Monsters Inc
Wall-E
-
Inexplicable Schism in Quality
-
Ratatouille
The Incredibles
A Bug's Life
Toy Story
-
Baseline of Cinematic Pablum
-
Cars 2
-
The Utter Depths of Unmitigated Shitacity
-
Cars

I need to hearken back to May of 2009, when I made the following comments on The List update for Up:

"The plot still seems to be about international travel. When I was talking to D right now about the problems with re-casting Doc Hudson, since Paul Newman is deceased, I realized that no one cares about or remembers anything from the first movie except Mater, voiced by Larry the Cable Guy. If you loved Cars, it was because of Mater. If you hate Cars it was probably in no small part because of Mater. So really, just put the redneck truck in it so rednecks can laugh at him acting like a redneck in France and En-ga-land and Japan and wherever else they want to pick up some cheap laughs with old jokes told in car/pun form."

I only need to make two amendments to this startlingly prescient pre-re-view. First, they also went to Italy. I can't remember if there were any previews at the time that included the destinations listed above, or if it was just that easy to assume what destinations would be rife with cliche potential.

Second, the idea that a James Bond-style car, replete with gadgets, would be the focus of the plot made this a fairly average and decidedly watchable action movie. It's a shame that they had to pretend it had anything to do with the first movie, and so shoehorned in the characters from the first go-round. The resulting mixture of bullshit I didn't like before with predictable action beats made for something akin to every other movie released that I just don't care about and swiftly forget after the credits roll.

It didn't feel right grouping it with other, far superior Pixar fare like Toy Story and Ratatouille. At the same time, it wasn't horrible, just mediocre. And so, a new category is born! I hope it is never joined by another Pixar offering, but really can Monster's University possibly be good?

It is now Brave in which we must place our hope.

It's sadly ironic that I am using my abandoned LJ to write a review of a movie about abandonment. But with the passage of time comes the inevitable release of a new Pixar film, and I refuse to abandon The List. Especially when that new movie pulled off many an impossible thing, not the least of which is dethroning Finding Nemo from the top of the Top Tier:

Toy Story 3
Finding Nemo
Toy Story 2
Up
Monsters Inc
Wall-E
-
Inexplicable Schism in Quality
-
Ratatouille
The Incredibles
A Bug's Life
Toy Story
-
The Utter Depths of Unmitigated Shitacity
-
Cars

I think many people would have forgiven Pixar if Toy Story 3 had been lacking. After all, it's been a long time, it's gone through a tortuous development, and the ends of trilogies rarely stand shoulder to shoulder with their predecessors.

I would not have been forgiving. If they had gotten this wrong, if Pixar had ruined the end of this franchise and then next year foisted the impending abortion known as Cars 2 upon us, I may have become irrevocably soured.

Fortunately my faith, much like Woody et al, is reborn. Pixar has succeeded beyond even my wildest expectations. There was not a single misstep in this film. It did not merely meet my Top Tier criteria to make me both laugh and cry, it shattered my ability to remain dignified in public. Throughout much of the first and third act there were moments when I was crying and laughing simultaneously and uncontrollably. And these bookend a second act that's part caper/part prison break which was more engaging than most live action attempts at the same themes. Even the ending was laden with religious subtext deftly interwoven with the persistent tropes and through-lines of the franchise.

I cannot remember the last time I was this emotionally invested in anything. I don't want to go into any details, but when the end came and all that remained was acceptance of the inevitable end of the characters we've grown to love, I had a hard time managing.

I could not conceive of a satisfying way that this franchise could end, my thoughts narrowly focused on the two possible outcomes that were raised by its predecessor. Pixar found a third option, inevitable in hindsight and obvious without feeling trite.

I am truly thankful that we live in a time where people like this are telling stories.

At this point in my recent updates to The List I usually engage in sortileges and witcheries, and parlay with the powers cosmic to present guidance on future Pixar releases. But I don't want to come down off of this film, especially facing the drought ahead with Cars 2, Brave (formerly the Bear and the Bow) and Monsters Inc 2. Unless they flesh out Brave with some emotion or surprise us with a solid hook for MI2 let's just all agree to watch this movie over and over again until 2013.

The List is being updated once more. As previously predicted Up made me weep several times. It hit especially close to home, as Dolores is afraid we can't have children and we're planning a crazy trip we've always wanted to take. And to top it off it was hi-larious. There is one particular moment so surprisingly funny that I could not stop laughing. So welcome to the top tier:

Finding Nemo
Toy Story 2
Up
Monsters Inc
Wall-E
-
Inexplicable Schism in Quality
-
Ratatouille
The Incredibles
A Bug's Life
Toy Story
-
The Utter Depths of Unmitigated Shitacity
-
Cars

That's right, better than Monsters Inc. It was hard to rank it relative to Wall-E and MI but that's my gut reaction. I reserve the right, in future updates, to re-rank if my feelings change over time.

Oh, and booooo Partly Cloudy. You cannot beat Presto no matter how cloying those kittens and puppies are.

Now, let us disembowel one of Muntz's background dogs and begin our annual ritual of Pixar hepatomancy:

2010 - Toy Story 3 - The teaser is out and very non-helpful in gauging the final product. I assume they are still going with abandonment plot, which seems rich with tragic, weepy potential. I am growing concerned about making a feature-length plot out of it, though. Still, I expect top tier.

2011 - Cars 2 - Fuck, look what got bumped up. The plot still seems to be about international travel. When I was talking to D right now about the problems with re-casting Doc Hudson, since Paul Newman is deceased, I realized that no one cares about or remembers anything from the first movie except Mater, voiced by Larry the Cable Guy. If you loved Cars, it was because of Mater. If you hate Cars it was probably in no small part because of Mater. So really, just put the redneck truck in it so rednecks can laugh at him acting like a redneck in France and En-ga-land and Japan and wherever else they want to pick up some cheap laughs with old jokes told in car/pun form.

2011 - The Bear and the Bow - "In a rugged and mythic Scotland, the impetuous, tangle-haired Merida, though a daughter of royalty, would prefer to make her mark as a great archer. A clash of wills with her mother compels Merida to make a reckless choice, which unleashes unintended peril on her father’s kingdom and her mother’s life. Merida struggles with the unpredictable forces of nature, magic and a dark, ancient curse to set things right."

I quoted the published synopsis because as fun as this sounds I don't see it passing the Incredibles on The List.

2012 - newt - Ugh. "What happens when the last remaining male and female blue-footed newts on the planet are forced together by science to save the species, and they can’t stand each other?"

I don't know, a shitty sitcom on Fox or the CW?

EDIT Dolores: "And then what? What, are their kids going to mate with eachother? They are still fucked."

So Toy Story 3 should be awesome, but then it looks like we're in for a drought. Which may be a good thing, because we probably won't be able to go to the movies for a few years during this period while we take care of some baby.

Unless Dolores is barren or I'm sterile, and then one day she dies and I become a curmudgeon. If that happens a hilarious adventure is bound to ensue.

Time for the annual update to The List. And in what will surely be hailed as the greatest achievement in the history of divination by future seers and prophets alike I correctly predicted the group to which Wall-E would belong:


Finding Nemo
Toy Story 2
Monsters Inc
Wall-E
-
Inexplicable Schism in Quality
-
Ratatouille
The Incredibles
A Bug's Life
Toy Story
-
The Utter Depths of Unmitigated Shitacity
-
Cars

As previously stated the requirements for top tier are to make me laugh and move me emotionally. The whole thing was perfectly structured, there was never a sour gag and I welled up thrice and cried openly once. It did not however have quite the same emotional resonance as Boo and Sully or Jesse and the cunt who threw her under the bed, to say nothing of the murder of Marlin's wife and all but one of his children, the sole survivor of the attack being crippled in the process. Nor was it quite as funny as those three. But it still falls above the gap, and it can stand tall with its peers.

And Cars should still be ashamed of itself.

Speaking of which, let's try to predict the future again:

2009 - Up: Old man wants a life of adventure but gets married and his wife dies and he becomes old and lonely. As long as it has a few punchlines this seems ripe for top-tier.

2010 - Toy Story 3: Andy grows up and goes to college, and the theoretical "we live to make kids happy" edict is put to the test. It sounds like they took the Jesse scene from TS2 and made a full movie out of it. Suicides to follow.

2011 - newt: I don't know enough about it, but right now it seems like a buddy road flick and love story featuring science lab newts. Here comes the bottom of the middle tier, at best.

2011 - The Bear and the Bow: Pixar's first attempt at more traditional fairy tale fare, action/adventure/Scottish mythology. On the face of it this doesn't seem like it will cross the gap, but it could redefine the criteria.

2012 - Cars 2: The Cars are going international! Shoot me in my fucking asshole with EVE's hand cannon right now, because I cannot imagine it being more painful than sitting through this. So much so that this may be the first Pixar movie I don't watch.

The List needs updating. Ah so:

Finding Nemo
Toy Story 2
Monsters Inc
-
Inexplicable Schism in Quality
-
Ratatouille
The Incredibles
A Bug's Life
Toy Story
-
The Utter Depths of Unmitigated Shitacity
-
Cars

I enjoyed Ratatouille thoroughly, and laughed at it, but it did not move me emotionally, which is required to make it above the quality gap. Although fucking Wall-E looks like it is going to make me want to kill myself, so get ready top tier.

Finding Nemo
Toy Story 2
Monsters Inc
-
Inexplicable Schism in Quality
-
The Incredibles¹
A Bug's Life
Toy Story
-
The Utter Depths of Unmitigated Shitacity
-
Cars²

1 New Entry. So ranked in relative value due to lack of saccharin sentimentality that drives grown men to tears and lack of mother/daughter make out scene after end credits. Elements weighing in favor of entry include kick ass action and hot ass character design.

2 Entry pending further evaluation upon revelation that it is either a practical joke or the greatest Fuck You Disney of all time